First trimester recap.....

Since I’ve been silent until last week about my pregnancy, I wanted to write out a full recap of the 1st trimester and what I’ve experienced! In fact, this week, all my posts are going to be baby talk. Baby talk, body talk, and belly talk. 

-I thought I was scoring big with a complete lack of morning sickness . . . And though I’m thankful that my first 2 months were so normal in the bodily sense, this initial lack of sickness was a big part of the reason we chose not to extensively share our news until the first trimester was over and done with–I was concerned by this lack of symptoms. What did it mean? That maybe nothing was actually happening?? That this whole pregnancy thing was just a figment of my overly active imagination? Some kind of psychologically induced placebo pregnancy?

- . . . up until week 9. Starting week 9, the complication began. I traveled to Indore, for rakshabandhan festival. I was about to leave Indore in next 2 hours. My sister insisted on having an ultrasound done. Train was at 4:00 PM, I had an ultrasound at 1:00 PM. And that was it..... my first trimester complications started to show up. There was a hemorrhage at bipolar region.  I was put on complete bed rest. It was all too scary for me. I was reduced to a helpless pile on the couch, not wanting to eat, and crying because I felt so helpless. My husband was a not supporting me through this, I begged him to come to Indore to meet me to support me but he would not listen to me. I was scared what if I miscarry. I wanted you badly with me. I knew you love me, but my love wasn't enough for you to come and meet me which always made me more sad. That was the time I would wait for your call whole time but you were busy in your own world. I was irritated felt lonely.

- . . . up until week 12.

Two pink lines!!!

So on 22nd July 2014 I alluded to exciting news. Well, let’s not beat around the bush. I’ll just lay it on you, and lay it on straight:

I’m pregnant! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.

I’ve been waiting soooo patiently to tell you, and now that I can finally spill the beans it’s such a relief. It’s been hard sitting on this news, and I feel like I’ve just been holding my breath in. Exhaling feels . . . amazing.

I Came from office with two prega news kits. You were very upset with some office issue. Sorry you were talking with me but all felt to me was some babbling, I wanted to rush to the washroom and check. And yes I was so happy seeing two pink lines and I announced the news to you... All your anger went away in a flash of second. 

It was such a relief to us...

Last year we started trying... Yes "We started trying" Those words are so intense. When you’ve finally come to realize you want a baby, entering the “we’re trying” phase–even if you only say those words to yourself in your own mind–opens up a big old emotional . . . thing. Suddenly, you start a mental calendar. You start tracking how long you’ve been trying, and looking ahead to when you think the “we’re trying” might become “I’m pregnant.” Those words “we’re trying” hold the past, present, and future in tension with each other, saying clearly to yourself and to everyone “we’re ready to leave our old life behind and start a new chapter,” and more than that, “we are daring to hope.”

I tried to prepare my soul for this process. I coached myself on a regular basis saying, “It takes some people years and years to get pregnant. In the end, it might turn out that one of us is infertile. And there’s always the possibility of miscarriage. Just chill Surabhi–just chill. Anything can happen.” I was soo tensed, I could not even tell every thing to Him. I was just tensed, worried, helpless. 

Throughout everything, I tried to look at reality, recognize the possibilities, and then turn to God and say, “You are good. I trust you.” And move on.

Overall, I didn’t feel obsessed. I felt good, ready for anything. Trusting. Until my period came due every month. . . and then I would take a pregnancy test. Or two. They would be negative. I’d wait a few more days, and when that first blood inevitably showed up, my heart would sink. For a split second I would feel a rush of emotion and sadness, almost like an adrenaline wave–and then I would move on and start counting days again. Trying to look forward, not back.

When I heard other women announcing they were pregnant, in person or on facebook , I had to make a conscious decision not to go down a certain path–the “what about me, God?” path. The “why does she get that blessing when I’m still waiting?” I could either let myself embark on a path of jealousy, dissatisfaction and whining, or genuine joy and thankfulness for their good news. With the help of God I chose the path of joy each time (and not thanks to my own strength–I know myself too well to claim that!), but I was always aware of the temptation to do otherwise, lingering on the sidelines. It wasn’t too hard yet, but I could see how every month was going to get a little more challenging as we waited.

Then the month of July came, I was just too much stressed and counting days. We got our new car Duster on 21'July'2014. I was feeling low inside and could not enjoy the new car, I hided my feelings deep inside, just seeing you on cloud 9. And when I can't wait longer I checked the very next day and yes It was clear positive. ....