Two pink lines!!!

So on 22nd July 2014 I alluded to exciting news. Well, let’s not beat around the bush. I’ll just lay it on you, and lay it on straight:

I’m pregnant! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.

I’ve been waiting soooo patiently to tell you, and now that I can finally spill the beans it’s such a relief. It’s been hard sitting on this news, and I feel like I’ve just been holding my breath in. Exhaling feels . . . amazing.

I Came from office with two prega news kits. You were very upset with some office issue. Sorry you were talking with me but all felt to me was some babbling, I wanted to rush to the washroom and check. And yes I was so happy seeing two pink lines and I announced the news to you... All your anger went away in a flash of second. 

It was such a relief to us...

Last year we started trying... Yes "We started trying" Those words are so intense. When you’ve finally come to realize you want a baby, entering the “we’re trying” phase–even if you only say those words to yourself in your own mind–opens up a big old emotional . . . thing. Suddenly, you start a mental calendar. You start tracking how long you’ve been trying, and looking ahead to when you think the “we’re trying” might become “I’m pregnant.” Those words “we’re trying” hold the past, present, and future in tension with each other, saying clearly to yourself and to everyone “we’re ready to leave our old life behind and start a new chapter,” and more than that, “we are daring to hope.”

I tried to prepare my soul for this process. I coached myself on a regular basis saying, “It takes some people years and years to get pregnant. In the end, it might turn out that one of us is infertile. And there’s always the possibility of miscarriage. Just chill Surabhi–just chill. Anything can happen.” I was soo tensed, I could not even tell every thing to Him. I was just tensed, worried, helpless. 

Throughout everything, I tried to look at reality, recognize the possibilities, and then turn to God and say, “You are good. I trust you.” And move on.

Overall, I didn’t feel obsessed. I felt good, ready for anything. Trusting. Until my period came due every month. . . and then I would take a pregnancy test. Or two. They would be negative. I’d wait a few more days, and when that first blood inevitably showed up, my heart would sink. For a split second I would feel a rush of emotion and sadness, almost like an adrenaline wave–and then I would move on and start counting days again. Trying to look forward, not back.

When I heard other women announcing they were pregnant, in person or on facebook , I had to make a conscious decision not to go down a certain path–the “what about me, God?” path. The “why does she get that blessing when I’m still waiting?” I could either let myself embark on a path of jealousy, dissatisfaction and whining, or genuine joy and thankfulness for their good news. With the help of God I chose the path of joy each time (and not thanks to my own strength–I know myself too well to claim that!), but I was always aware of the temptation to do otherwise, lingering on the sidelines. It wasn’t too hard yet, but I could see how every month was going to get a little more challenging as we waited.

Then the month of July came, I was just too much stressed and counting days. We got our new car Duster on 21'July'2014. I was feeling low inside and could not enjoy the new car, I hided my feelings deep inside, just seeing you on cloud 9. And when I can't wait longer I checked the very next day and yes It was clear positive. ....